Talk:Gerascophobia/@comment-211.26.124.243-20190726023201

I agree 100% with what one of you. It IS BAD! Aging and Death=Bad, gross, ugly, depressing, ect... I could go on, but basically both aging and death are bad. I find it odd that some people like both these things. That's messed up in my opinion. I'd prefer to stay young and alive thank you very much, and I'm sure everyone else would want to too. I'll share a personal story with you, if you're interested, keep reading... Before the start of 2017, I was a happy and positive person. I was never sad much before, I didn't even know that depression and anxiety even existed back then. I thought that people these days were more kinder to each other (though I do believe that there are many kind people) I never really thought that bad people existed or didn't think much of them and just focused on everything positive. Anyway, I was always happy, positive and hopeful about everything. I thought everything was great. I remember the last game I played before everything become chaotic was dead island. I was having fun. Anyway, the new year arrived (2017) and was still happy. Now, this is where I start to spiral down into total despair. Some time in March (I think) one of my relatives passed away... It was my very first time ever experiencing a situation like this ever. When they passed, I felt grieve for the first time ever. I held back my tears only because I would feel embarrassed crying in front of my family, it had nothing to do with trying to look tough or masculine (I also never knew about the concepts of both masculinity and femininity at this time) anyway, as me and my siblings went to go out on the jetti on the beach, a staff member asked if we were ok. We all said yes (but obviously we were far from it) then proceeded to go to the beach. Now some days passed since. I tried feeling better. Then I started researching about death. This was a mistake. Because after doing research about it, I started feeling miserable and hopeless and helpless. Just the idea of death shatters my positivity. I then couldn't stop myself from researching about it for months since. Just always looking up death month after month... Anyway, I developed both anxiety and depression at this point (though I don't know about these symptoms at the time) but eventually, somewhere in 2017, I did discover about these symptoms, researched about them, and now I knew that I probably had them (I did self diagnosis and tests, still to this day haven't been officially diagnosed as of yet, but I believe that I have them.) Now, it's I think November 2017? I'm now researching about monkeys and humans and all that stuff. After researching that, I gained a new fear. Cacophobia= fear of ugliness. I straight away went to check myself in the mirror to see if I look horrific and ugly. I made different faces in the mirror to make sure I looked good. At first, I was somewhat relived about my looks. But after a while, my negative thoughts consumed me. I remember before this saying that I loved humanity. Now... I started to not like humans as much anymore purely based on looks. I started wishing that humans could look just as good as every other animal, like cats for example. I now was even more depressed than ever thinking to myself (First death, now this!? Come on!) Now in November 2017, I started to see what looked like Blue electricity in my eyes everytime I closed them when going to bed. They would appear around the edges of my eyes and be dark in the middle. I thought to myself that it could be because of all the stressing and such that caused it. I thought I broke myself. I also started having poor quality sleep. Anyway, it's now 2018, and I'm still messed up, nothing happens in this year... I just either lie down in bed or sit in bed. I stopped playing games entirely, stopped watching t.v, I just stopped. Though I guess I watched YouTube, that's all I did that year. Now it's February 2019. Now I started to see flashes of green appear in my eyes. Not only that, but every time the green flashed, my eyes would flick around quickly for as long as the green flashed. Sometimes it would flash for seconds longer, thus my eyes would flicker for a little longer too. This happened to me regardless weather I was awake or trying to sleep. I think it stopped around the beginning of March? Now this is the time where I start a new miserable adventure of online researching. Yay! Topic of the month: Military, Government and Politics. After a month later, I'm now even more miserable and depressed than ever! Anyway, moving on. I think in June I went on a new topic: gender, stereotypes, norms, nature vs nurture... And now here I am now. It's Friday, July 26 2019 11:24 AM. Still depressed, anxious and so on... I plan on seeing a therapist soon, though I did go see the GP back in December 2017. Then saw him again in January 2018, but haven't been back since. I'm shy you see, so I'm uncomfortable speaking to people. I'm going to write a letter to him describing my problems, hopefully that will be ok. But yeah, here I am now... I found a new Youtuber named Lavender or something like that. She's pretty nice to watch. She teaches people how to live a fulfilling lifestyle and to achieve their dreams and goals. She's been helpful I suppose, but I'll still go see a therapist anyway. But yeah, I think I'll always be afraid of death and such, I'll just have to try and shift my focus on my own goals. I also did research on Time. It's fascinating and I love it but am also afraid of it somewhat. Anyway, I'm just going to list my dream goals below... These are the things I'd like to do.

Dream goals...

• Learn to draw. Anatomy, shading, digital, pixel, animation... •Bookbinding. •Game making, horror game design, fan games. •robotics (I Doubt I'll have time to learn this, but I can always imagine and dream about it...) •Animatronic's, animatronic wearable masks. Realistic Fursuits. •Calligraphy. •Learn to play Piano, Violin. (I stopped trying with the violin when I had difficulties fixing the cord) •Special effects, practical effects, CGI. •Close to perfect Replica highly detailed articulated original SNES StarFox, Starting Arwing Fightership. (I desperately want to achieve this one Dream goal. I've always wanted an SNES Arwing to play with or look at ever since I was a kid. It's my #1 favourite fighter ship ever and always will be! Not much of a fan of the newer Arwings, but they're ok, but I don't care much for them.) • Go Karting •Visiting enchanting looking forests (never going to happen, but I can just daydream about it and look at pictures online anyway.) •Cosplay, Cosplay making, Costume Designer, Costume Maker. •Photography

There's probably a whole lot more, but I'll just stop here now. I doubt that I'll ever get to achieve any of them no matter how hard I try, but idk... Anyway, I'm truly sorry for the long text, I just wanted to typed all this down, I feel kinda relived for doing so too. Have a nice day/night... ^~^'